My Double Life

Now, I'm going to take it back to the story. I think that before I talked about my family in my last post, I was talking about how I started to be attracted to Derik. I was very bold back then, and so I approached Derik and let him know that I was interested and started making advances on him. At first, he seemed like he was trying to respect the fact that I was in a relationship with another man, but he wanted me just as much as I wanted him, and it was just an act. He didn't care about how Chris would feel about me cheating. I started talking to Derik about how unhappy I was with Chris and he validated me! He would tell me that I deserved better and yes, I did, but he didn't really have my well being in mind; he was thinking about himself and what he could get out of it, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought that he really cared about me, and maybe, at one time, he did. But I think his motivation was always a selfish one.

So, one day, me and Derik were at the club talking, and I pretty much just came out and told him that I wanted to sleep with him. I guess I thought that if we just slept together once, I would get it out of my system, and it would be over. He actually acted offended when I offered myself to him, and he gave me an choice.

"You can choose option A or option B."
"Ok," I said. "What's option A?"
"Option A is that we sleep together once. But then I'm done with you. Our friendship is over and you mean nothing to me."

I was crushed!! I did want to sleep with him for my own selfish reasons, but I didn't want to lose our friendship. He was quite literally the only thing keeping me going at that time. Every morning I woke up for the sole purpose of going to work and seeing him. He was the only good thing in my life, but in order to get what I wanted, he was going to take that support from me. It looked like I couldn't win. But I still didn't know what option B was.

"....So, what's option B, then?" I asked.
"Option B is you leave Chris and you be with me."

Well, that was more like what I wanted to hear, but I still wasn't sure if I wanted to leave Chris. He was my comfort zone. I was miserable with him, but I didn't know how to be without him, and I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of hurting him, also, and in a way, I felt responsible for him. If I wasn't the one taking care of him, who was going to do it? So, I struggled with what I was going to do.

But eventually, I told Derik what he wanted to hear, so that I could get what I wanted. I told him that I was going to leave Chris, but I just needed a little bit of time to work things out, and we made plans to meet up. So I started to save up money. I would work, and then put back a little bit of what I made each night so that instead of going to work one night, I could go to Derik's house, and then go home with money, so that it seemed like I was going to work.

And then we planned it out. I had Chris drop me off at work, then I would wait about an hour. Derik would come pick me up at the club and we would go back to his apartment and '"hang out". It didn't take long for us to get down to business. We only really wanted one thing from each other, but once we slept together once, we wanted to do it again. And again. And again.

So, I started living this double life. During the day, I was Chris' girlfriend. I told him I loved him and in my twisted way, I did. But at night, I was Derik's girlfriend. I had 2 full on relationships going on at the same time. I told them both I loved them, and I slept with both of them, but never in the same day. As if that makes it better. But that's what I told myself to make what I was doing not seem as bad.

Derik lost his apartment and ended up moving into his friend Dean's house, and then I started going over there and spending the night. I would call Chris while I was still at work and tell him that I couldn't find a ride home from work, and that I was spending the night with one of my stripper friends and going to work with them the next day. But I would really go spend the night with Derik. This went on for months!! Derik would pressure me about when I was going to leave Chris, and I would cry and tell him it was complicated and he would get mad at me. We had problems from the get-go, but what do you expect when your relationship starts out like that? We were having a full fledged affair and even though I had every intention of leaving Chris, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Derik tried to break off the affair a couple of times, but I would cry and he would eventually give in and not leave me.

My breaking point came around Christmas of that year. This affair I was having was really taking its toll on me. I was so unhappy and I felt horrible about what I was doing to Chris, but I was so caught up in how I felt about Derik that I couldn't stop.

And then Chris asked me to marry him.

Now, I am a married woman and I clearly remember the elation and pure happiness that coursed through me when my husband asked me to be his wife. It was one of the best moments of my life, and I will forever cherish that memory.

I felt nothing like that when Chris asked me. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Never mind the fact that he didn't even have a ring when he asked me, or that he asked me while we were watching "Knocked Up" and he didn't even get down on one knee. When he asked me to marry him, my stomach dropped, I felt sick to my stomach and this feeling of intense dread came upon me.

That is CLEARLY not the reaction you are supposed to have when the man God has for you asks you to marry him.

I just couldn't say yes. I thought about what Derik would say when he found out that I had agreed to marry Chris. It would be over between us, and I just couldn't risk that. I also thought about the fact that if I said yes, I would forever be taking care of this man. He still didn't have a job, and I felt trapped even just thinking about it. So I told him, as gently as I could under the circumstances, that I couldn't say yes to him right then, and then I explained to him why, leaving out the fact that I had been cheating on him for months, of course.

After that, I knew I had to end it. He had asked me to marry him, and I knew in my heart that I NEVER wanted to marry him. Not even if he changed and got a job and started treating me better. He wasn't it for me, and I had know it all along, but now I needed to do something about it. I stuck it out for a couple more months because.... well, I don't actually know why. I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew leaving would, so I prolonged the inevitable... but around my 21st birthday, I finally broke it off with Chris.