Living in Sin

After Chris and I moved in together, I calmed down a lot, as far as going to clubs and spending the night with Diamond and Derik and stuff like that. This was the first time I had ever lived with a guy before and I was pretty excited about "playing house". But he was acting kind of fishy at first. I know that he didn't feel for me the same way that I felt about him, but I was taking care of him, feeding him, giving him a place to live, providing all the weed he could possibly smoke and giving my body to him whenever he wanted it, and it honestly seemed like he wanted all those other things, but not me. I remember trying to get him to have sex with me, and for the first 3 weeks that we lived together and slept in the same bed, he just would not! I didn't understand why. I knew I was attractive and I was giving him everything that any other guy would ask for, but I think at that time, he was living with me, but sleeping with someone else and that is why he wouldn't sleep with me. Even after we broke up, he denied it, but I never believed him.

I promise that I am a smart girl. I really am. But, I was really, REALLY dumb when it came to guys. I knew that I was going to be supporting this man. He told me from the get-go that making music was his life and that he was not, under any circumstances, going to be getting a job and helping with bills, and I, being so desperate for someone to love me, was ok with that! Initially, anyway. And I really was supportive of him. I went to all his shows, let him stay out all night at the studio while I stayed at the apartment by myself, and I was his biggest fan. I promoted his music all over that strip club. I would dance to it when they would let me, I wore outfits with his record label logo, and anytime I met someone in the club that did anything with music, I would plug his.

All this time, I was falling for him, and he would not say that he loved me.

He finally did tell me he loved me, but it was only after I said it first, and we were high on Ecstasy. I had done Ecstasy one time before Chris and I got together, but we started doing it really heavily for a while. I mean, 3-4 times a week. Ecstasy is a heck of a drug too. We would take the pills and we would "roll" for hours, but the come down was horrible and it was especially rough on me, because you can't sleep when you do X, and so I wouldn't sleep, and then I would have to go to work and I would work until 4 AM, get home around 5 AM and then pass out until it was time to go to work the next day. As a result, I wasn't eating a whole lot, and I was lost so much weight that I was starting to look skeletal.

Things were starting to get rough at the club too. After about 6 months, the strip club lost its glamour. I also lost my new girl appeal; customers were used to seeing me and weren't giving me as much money. I was never a hustler like some of the other girls were. There were girls there that would go from table to table asking for lap dances, only to be told "No" 20 times before they finally got that "Yes". I wasn't one of those girls. I liked to sit and wait for the money to come to me. I would go on stage, do my set, and then after I got off stage, I would go to the guys who tipped me and see if they wanted dances. I would do whatever lap dances I could get, and then I would go hang out in the dressing room, or go drink until my next set. And boy, did I drink! I drank sooo much liquor, all the time. I would get drunk just about every night, end up throwing up for a good hour in the back, sober up a little, finish my shift and then, when Chris would come to pick me up with one of his friends (we still didn't have a car), he would be mad that I was so wasted.

It wasn't all horrible with Chris, but it is safe to say that we didn't have a healthy relationship. I would do something that he didn't like and he would get in my face and scream at me, and call me stupid and call me names. He could be really hateful when he wanted to, and there were several times that he made me feel sub-human. I was no angel either though. I hit him a couple of times, and called him names right back. I kicked him out several times, not that it mattered, because he wouldn't leave. But a lot of the time, it hurt to be his girlfriend. I was shelling out all my money to pay the rent, and support him (and at one time, I supported one of his friends too), and he would talk to me like I was crap and even though everyone knew I was his girl, he wouldn't claim me in public. He said it was bad for his image.

So even though I never meant it to be that way, for all intents and purposes, my boyfriend became my pimp.No, he never tried to sell me to someone else, but I gave him all my money, all the time. What would you call that?